Autism in Girls - What You’re Missing
& why my daughter was overlooked for years
The Day Everything Changed
I'll never forget the moment I realized we'd been missing something huge. My daughter was 10 years old, and after years of being told she was "just shy" or "a little quirky," we finally started to suspect what may have been causing the challenges that came with not fitting the mold.
She was autistic. And she'd been missed because she didn't look like the textbook definition everyone was looking for.
Why Girls Get Missed (And It's Not Your Fault)
The Masking Problem
Girls are socialized from birth to be people-pleasers, to be quiet, to blend in. By the time they reach school age, many autistic girls have already learned to mask their true selves so well that even trained professionals miss the signs.
What masking looks like:
Copying other children's social behaviors
Staying quiet when overwhelmed instead of melting down
Appearing "fine" at school but falling apart at home
Having intense interests in socially acceptable things (horses, books, art)
The "She Seems Fine" Trap
Because autistic girls often:
Follow rules and rarely cause trouble
Have good grades (or struggle quietly)
Appear to have friends (even if not many)
Don't display obvious repetitive behaviors
Teachers, doctors, and even parents can miss the internal struggle happening beneath the surface.
What Autism Actually Looks Like in Girls
In My Household, It Looks Like:
H, who was just diagnosed at nearly 13 years old:
She is easily overstimulated, follows a rigid routine, and often fidgets with her hands
She feels most of the peers her age are mean, because they misunderstand her and she misunderstands them
She is a Harry Potter expert, but to the degree that she is deeply offended if others have anything negative to express about her special interest
Common Presentations in Girls:
The "Perfect" Student
Excellent grades but extreme stress about performance
Follows rules rigidly
Meltdowns happen only at home
The Anxious Perfectionist
Intense worry about social situations
All-or-nothing thinking
Physical symptoms (stomachaches, headaches)
The Creative Dreamer
Lost in imaginative worlds
Difficulty with transitions
Intense focus on creative interests
The Social Mimic
Copies peers to fit in
Exhausted after social interactions
Struggles with authentic friendships
Signs That Get Overlooked
At School:
"She's just shy" (but it's selective mutism)
"She's a perfectionist" (but it's rigid thinking)
"She's artistic" (but it's an intense special interest)
"She follows directions well" (but can't handle unexpected changes)
"She's mature for her age" (but struggles with age-appropriate social skills)
At Home:
Meltdowns after school (from holding it together all day)
Extreme reactions to clothing textures or food
Difficulty with transitions between activities
Intense interests that consume her attention
Needing detailed explanations for social rules
Socially:
Preferring adult company or much younger children
Having one or two intense friendships rather than a group
Struggling with reciprocal conversation
Difficulty reading social cues or sarcasm
Appearing "younger" socially than peers
Sensory Signs:
Covering ears in noisy environments
Needing specific clothing/fabric preferences
Seeking or avoiding certain textures, sounds, lights
Using movement to regulate (spinning, rocking, fidgeting)
The Cost of Missing Girls
When we miss autism in girls, we miss the chance to:
Provide accommodations that help them thrive
Teach them about their beautiful, different brain
Help them develop authentic self-advocacy skills
Connect them with understanding peers and mentors
Prevent years of feeling "broken" or "wrong"
My daughter spent years thinking she was the problem. Now she knows her brain is just beautifully different.
What to Do If This Sounds Familiar
Trust Your Instincts
If something feels off, keep advocating. You know your daughter better than anyone.
Seek Knowledgeable Professionals
Look for:
Psychologists who specialize in autism in girls
Professionals who understand masking
Evaluators who look beyond behavior checklists
Document Everything
Keep notes about struggles and accommodations that help
Video examples of sensory needs or meltdowns
Track patterns in behavior and regulation
Connect with Community
Find other families raising autistic girls
Join online support groups
Read books by autistic women and girls
Creating a Different Story
Today, my daughter knows:
Her brain is different, not broken
Her intense interests are gifts
Her sensory needs deserve accommodation
She's allowed to be authentically herself
She's not trying to fit into a neurotypical mold anymore. She's creating her own beautiful, authentic shape.
Your Next Step
If any of this resonates, download my free "Autism in Girls Checklist" - a comprehensive guide to signs that often get missed, plus next steps for seeking evaluation.
Remember: You're not looking for problems. You're looking for understanding. And understanding changes everything.
Has your daughter been overlooked? What signs did professionals miss? Share your story in the comments - your experience might help another family find answers.
