Why I'm Sending My Autistic Daughter Back to School After Homeschooling
two years ago, my daughter H left traditional school broken and anxious. This fall, she's choosing to go back - but everything is different this time.
The Question Everyone's Asking
"Wait, you homeschooled for a year and now you're sending her BACK to school? Why?"
I get it. From the outside, it might look like we're flip-flopping or that homeschool "didn't work." But here's what people don't see: this isn't about giving up on what worked. This is about following my daughter's lead and trusting her growth.
Where We Started vs. Where We Are Now
Two years ago, H left 5th grade:
Having anxiety attacks during math class
Coming home completely depleted every day
Saying "everyone is mean to me" at every social setting
Falling behind academically despite being brilliant
Zero confidence in who she was
Today, H is choosing to try school again because:
She understands her autism and how her brain works
She knows she deserves to be treated with respect
She has tools for managing her anxiety and sensory needs
She found her best friend who will be at the same school
She's confident in her unique strengths (99th percentile visual memory!)
The difference? She's not going back to "fit in." She's going back to be herself.
What Homeschool Gave Her (That School Couldn't)
Time to Heal and Process
That year at home wasn't just about academics. H spent months processing what had actually happened to her in school. She learned to recognize the difference between her being "difficult" and her needs not being understood.
The after-school meltdowns that lasted for months? They weren't her being defiant. They were the result of masking all day and having no capacity left for family life.
Permission to Be Autistic
At home, H could:
Stim freely without judgment
Follow her special interests (hello, Harry Potter obsession!)
Build routines that actually worked for her brain
Learn at her own pace without comparison to neurotypical peers
Understand that her differences are strengths, not problems to fix
Self-Advocacy Skills
Most importantly, H learned to advocate for herself. She can now say things like: "I have autism and I'm really good at remembering things I'm passionate about. My brain works differently but that's okay - not everyone is good at the same things."
That self-awareness and confidence? You can't teach that in a traditional classroom setting.
Why This School is Different
I'm not sending H back to just any school. We specifically chose a prep academy that:
Encourages student autonomy - H is a natural self-learner who thrives when she can take charge of her education
Offers diverse learning opportunities - Piano, dance, video game design, homesteading (where was this when I was a kid?!)
Values different learning styles - They understand that one-size-fits-all education doesn't work for everyone
Has her best friend - Having that familiar face and genuine friendship makes all the difference
What I'm Advocating for This Time
Here's what's different about my approach now:
I Know What She Needs
Extended time for math (her doctor explained that when she's less interested in a subject, her brain sorts it away too quickly)
Fidget tools during class (sensory regulation is non-negotiable)
An IEP from day one (no more hoping she'll "just adjust")
Regular check-ins about social situations (early intervention prevents major issues)
I Trust My Instincts Over "Experts"
I spent years thinking I was overreacting or being "too sensitive" about H's needs. Now I know that parent intuition combined with understanding neurodiversity is powerful advocacy.
I'm Not Afraid to Ask for What She Needs
Before, I worried about being "that parent." Now I know that being "that parent" means being the parent my daughter needs me to be.
Our Safety Net (And Why It Matters)
Here's the thing that gives us both confidence: she can always come home.
There's no minimum time commitment. No pressure to "stick it out" if it's not working. If she comes to me multiple times expressing that she wants to leave, we'll listen and pivot.
This isn't about proving that school works for neurodivergent kids. This is about honoring H's choices and supporting her growth wherever that leads.
What's Different About Me as Her Advocate
I See Her Friends Differently Now
I used to worry about H gravitating toward the "different" kids, the ones who seemed socially awkward or had unique interests. Now? I'm DELIGHTED by her friend group! They're funny, creative, and genuine. Her best friend might be boy-crazy while H couldn't care less about romance, but they balance each other perfectly.
I Follow Her Lead, Not Society's Timeline
H healed on her timeline, not the school district's timeline or my worried-mom timeline. Now she's choosing school again on HER timeline, when SHE feels ready.
I Measure Success Differently
Success isn't about:
Getting straight A's
Fitting in with the popular crowd
Never having struggles
Being "normal"
Success IS about:
Feeling confident in who she is
Advocating for her needs
Finding her people
Enjoying learning again
Knowing she has choices
For Other Neurodivergent Families Considering This Journey
Trust Your Gut
If your daughter is drowning in traditional school, there's no shame in changing course. Sometimes the most loving thing you can do is step back and give her time to heal.
Every Child is Different
Even in our own family, we're taking individualized approaches. While H is trying the prep academy, her sisters E and S are starting Montessori classrooms (in separate classes for the first time because they each need their own space to grow!).
There's No Timeline for Healing
H needed a full year to process her school experiences and build confidence. Some kids need longer, some need less time. Follow your daughter's lead.
Find Schools That Fit Your Kid
Don't try to make your neurodivergent daughter fit a neurotypical mold. Find environments that celebrate her differences and work with her brain, not against it.
My Game Plan if Things Get Hard
Because let's be real - middle school is challenging for ANY kid, let alone an autistic girl. If H comes home saying "everyone is mean" again, here's what I'll do differently:
STOP everything and listen fully to all her stories
Help her zoom out and observe situations from a bird's eye view
Walk through peer understanding together (some kids are dealing with their own struggles)
Contact administration immediately if there's actual bullying
Trust my gut about what she needs, even if others disagree
What I Want Other Parents to Know
Your neurodivergent daughter's timeline is perfect for her. Don't let anyone rush her healing, her growth, or her readiness for new challenges.
Sometimes stepping back isn't giving up - it's giving your child exactly what she needs to eventually step forward with confidence.
And sometimes, the bravest thing we can do as parents is trust our kids to know when they're ready for the next adventure.
Looking Forward
Am I nervous? Of course. Will there be challenges? Absolutely. But H isn't the same girl who left school two years ago. She knows who she is now, she understands her worth, and she won't accept treatment that doesn't honor her beautiful, autistic brain.
This isn't about her being "ready" for a neurotypical world. This is about finding spaces where she can thrive as exactly who she is.
And if this particular space doesn't work out? We'll pivot again. Because that's what families do when they're committed to honoring each child's unique journey.
Here's to our wild and wonderful girls, and to trusting them to lead the way.
Is your neurodivergent daughter ready to try school again after homeschooling? Or are you considering stepping back from traditional school? I'd love to hear about your family's journey in the comments below.
Want tools for advocating effectively at your daughter's school?
Because every neurodiverse girl deserves to be understood, not changed.
